10 Nintendo Rides and Attractions We Demand from Universal
Image via Critical Commons
Universal and Nintendo are coming together like Voltron to bring our childhood to life in the form of rides and attractions that will one day be considered the best humanity has ever created.
But we will, you know, stay measured in our expectations.
This week we reported Universal would bring Nintendo rides and attractions to its various parks around the world.
Now the good news was mixed in with some ho-hum reality: We have no definitive or concrete detail on what this all means.
A press release merely states: “More details will be announced in the future, as the Nintendo and Universal creative teams work to create specific concepts.”
This is a nice way of saying, "take a chill pill and wait for us to figure out what this future world will look like."
First, we will flip if this park isn’t named "Super Nintendo Land." Second, we would like to help out in the form of offering up exactly what we want, nay, need to see in the future.
Of course, we would love to hear your thoughts, so chime in accordingly. However, we have some ideas if money, physics and general theme-park infrastructure were no object.
Look, if Japan can produce a haphazard Mario Kart romp through its streets, we imagine Universal can infuse its parks with the same wonderful Mario Kart bedlam.
We will settle for one track and one track alone, Wario Stadium. In either case, we need more than just karts dressed up as crazy Nintendo conveyances.
We want to be able to blow up our pals with a blue shell as they are mere feet from taking first in a race.
Because if we can’t fill a day at the park with the rage that is that very frustration what are we all doing on this crazy planet?
Of course, this means lightning bolts will only be doled out when they are absolutely worthless to the grand scheme of any race—usually when every other racer has finished.
Ghost Riding the Birdo Egg:
Disneyland once had the People Mover, a way to pass the time and give the legs a respite.
Universal has this one gift wrapped with a ride that would let you glide around on an egg à la the most peculiar sequel in video game history.
We expect there will be some sort of shop that will allow tourists to spend their hard-earned rupees for souvenirs.
Now providing a shop is one thing, but it just wouldn’t be a Link adventure if you weren’t able to smash any surrounding pots to find hearts or treasure. This goes for random weeds outside the store that should also be adorned with random chickens running around.
We will try to refrain from picking them up and throwing them, obviously.
You want carnival games; we have carnival games.
Step on up and win a six-foot plush doll by taking down a bunch of ducks with your trusty NES zapper that, in this future Nintendo world we are creating, actually works.
Free Yoshi Rides:
There is no greater joy in all of history than riding around on your very own Yoshi spawned from a most fortuitous egg. Don’t bother fact checking that and take it as gospel.
Conversely, there is no worse feeling than seeing your trusty dinosaur scamper off after some infernal shell gets the best of you.
What we have here would be the opportunity to ride a Yoshi.
And no Hippogriff tricks here, Universal. We want an actual Yoshi with actual bulbous nose and adorable gait.
Get on it.
Warp Zone Transportation:
This could be as simple as sliding down a pipe to another tier of the park. However, if Universal is feeling really saucy it could bend space-time to allow instant transport between various parts of the theme park.
Fingers crossed on the latter.
Punch Out Pugilism:
Strap on the gloves and go toe-to-toe with Glass Joe, Bald Bull and King Hippo. And hey, you get to relive what it’s like to win a fight simply by timing when a fighter is going to reappear after vanishing.
If you knew how many hours I spent crashing in F-Zero you would be amazed, or you would shrug apathetically. Either way, it was a lot.
While the kiddies (Read: people of all ages) are enjoying Mario Kart, those who want something a bit more extreme can race around this chaotic universe for a spell.
Star Fox Battles:
Hop in a cockpit and play a bigger-than-life version of the only game to feature a talking fox and toad that ever mattered.
Seeing as how Universal probably couldn’t snag the rights for a Star Wars: Rebel Assault ride, we will gladly take this iteration of a flying game.
Lastly, we want no less than to embark on an adventure of Hyrulian proportions. With virtual reality technology finally realizing its potential we think it’s time to really combine the two.
Imagine spending ten minutes on a journey that will have you beguiled and wanting more.
We could see spending the entire trip on this one attraction, which would be the only real downside considering the insane lines this would cause.
But we would wait. Oh, you bet we would wait to hop on a horse, ready the sword and follow wherever our fairy tells us to.
Now we will fold our hands, twiddle our thumbs and await Universal’s reply, which we assume will be a confident, “Sure, sounds good.”
Simply, we haven’t been this excited for something since we saw Super Mario Bros. 3 featured in “The Wizard.”
Now don’t let us down.
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