5 Nintendo Rides We Hope We Don't See at Universal Parks
Images via YouTube
Nintendo and Universal are about to make like Mario and Luigi in an endeavor sure to be loved by millions. We just hope it’s more “Super Mario Bros. 3” and less “Super Mario Bros. 2,” if you know what we mean.
If not, we will explain shortly, but first we get you up to speed. Earlier in the month we reported Universal would soon infuse its parks with Nintendo rides and attractions.
After we woke up from fainting, we offered our best thoughts on attractions we would love to see at this mythical place that would soon become reality.
Of course, that was a bit farfetched, but it was a fun exercise nonetheless.
We aren’t done yet, because with encouragement comes a bit of caution. Here is where we break down the rides and attractions we wouldn’t like to see. In fact, we are cringing from the mere thought of them. And, as it were, the only solution to rid the thoughts from our frail mind is to write them down here for you to read.
Go ahead and offer up Nintendo fare you're hoping Universal leaves on the cutting room floor. And, as you will soon see, sound adherence to realism isn’t necessarily a requirement.
Consider this an exercise in fun. You know what that is, don’t you? Of course you do, because you stayed up all night playing “Super Contra.” Now let’s begin:
Whether Zelda’s Water Temple or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Dam Level, water levels are just horrible.
In fact, we have the sudden urge to toss a controller just from watching the above video.
The last thing we need is a reminder of drowning, hitting some random electric pulse or getting lost for days at a time.
Leave any mention to water levels out of the park. Thank you. (Editor's note: Unless it's a Super Mario Sunshine-themed splash park. Which would be amazing).
Like golf, nobody actually enjoys “Mario Party.” Oh sure, there is one or two glorious moments that serve as a permanent anesthetic, erasing the rest of the misery you endured through 18 holes or 50 turns, respectively.
This solves how anyone could ever utter, “Hey, let’s play Mario Party!” after having actually played it before.
No, it’s best if we leave this game or any iteration out of the parks. We still have palm burns from spinning that infernal N64 controller stick.
The last thing you want is a bunch of tourist falling into a black abyss the second they come into a hairpin turn on some “Mario Kart” track.
Let’s keep things safe and leave this road to failure out of the park.
Duck Hunt Dog:
Theme parks are populated by two kinds of people: those not in a costume and those who brave Florida heat in a thick costume for the enjoyment of all.
We welcome seeing life-size Marios and Bowsers, but the one character that would pretty much ruin the day is the pixelated dog that revels in schadenfreude.
It makes sense to include a ride or attraction honoring the most renowned video game of all time.
This would be a mistake. Aside from that one person you know who spends hours dropping one block atop another, playing “Tetris” is like digging a hole with a toothpick. Sure you are doing something, but you really aren’t getting anywhere.
Basing an attraction on one unrelenting freefall of variously shaped blocks sounds like as much fun as a game featuring the same act.
There is a reason we have first-person shooters now, people.
With that, we again welcome you to chime in with games that would make lass-than-must-see attractions at an upcoming Nintendo park.
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