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Bestiality is wrong, immoral and not something you can do in Denmark.
While that last part might seem oddly specific it makes sense when you consider the country finally got around to, you know, outlawing sex with animals.
The New York Times, having nothing better to do, reports Denmark has seen fit to keep the humans from taking advantage of impressionable animals, because it seems the ongoing zoophilic tourism was getting a bit dodgy.
The report states: "Denmark passed legislation Tuesday banning bestiality, toughening a law that animal rights activists feared was encouraging animal-sex tourism."
And really, it's best to clear things up with a law if you have even a hunch that the current legislation leaves too generous a gray area.
When it comes to the legislative books on sex with animals, it's always best to make things as obvious as possible. We imagine the new law states, "Hey, stop having sex with any animal, item or entity that isn't human. Also, make sure you ask said human before intercourse. And we are pretty raw about having to actually put this in writing. Ibid."
Now there is nothing humorous about zoophilia, so consider the following video a completely unrelated intermission for a serious issue.
Now it's important to note that there was previous legislation in place that banned making whoopee with any four-legged friends. However, there seemed to be a need to amend the law because some tourists found them a bit murky.
The Times states, "The bill amends a previous ban on intercourse that harms animals. Farm Minister Dan Jorgensen argued that the previous ban was inadequate, saying in an opinion article, 'It's hard to prove that an animal suffers when a human has sexual intercourse with it, and that is why we must give the animal the benefit of the doubt.'"
We tend to agree. While animals' lack the fundamental vocal talent to enact a 'No means no!' declaration, we have to imagine they might be just the tiniest bit peeved about being treated like objects.
We take pelt, milk and meat, so perhaps we leave a bit of the animals' dignity.
Now we congratulate you for reading this far in what has to be the most peculiar report we have seen recently. Now we must continue, because this is where we find the impetus behind the newly amended law.
The Times, which as an entity must be thinking about a drink at this point, continues: "Those voting for the bill said Denmark did not want to remain the last northern European country where bestiality was legal, as this was attracting animal-sex tourists. Germany, Norway, Sweden and Britain previously banned bestiality."
It's always fashionable to be late to a party-unless the party is a bunch of countries jointly banning something completely abhorrent.
We would like to end this report here, because there is absolutely no way we want you to know that, according to the Times, a 2011 report states 17 percent of veterinarians suspected, um, egregious relations with animals they treated.
Well, shoot. You can't unknow that, so perhaps we leave you with this NPR report that features giddy cows in Denmark leaping with joy thanks to the advent of spring.
Fin.
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