Last updated: 03:06 PM ET, Sat April 04 2015

Celebrate 2015 MLB Opening Day with 6 Insane Baseball Food Items

Entertainment | Gabe Zaldivar | April 04, 2015

Celebrate 2015 MLB Opening Day with 6 Insane Baseball Food Items

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As MLB’s Opening Day approaches, we let out our belt buckle, allow our belly to breathe, and order another greasy hamburger to celebrate the occasion.

Here is our brief roundup of some of the more creative food items being sold around the nation. As you might have guessed, it’s a collection of the biggest and most calorie-laden menu offerings around baseball in 2015.

Before you load the family truckster and take off on a baseball tour of the country, consider the food you might enjoy at these modern-day marvels.

Like a fictional land of fairy tale dreams, you can enjoy hamburgers that resemble mountains, nachos that you can eat like a popsicle and chicken you can take down like an ice cream cone.

It makes about as much sense as a Jose Canseco interview and is about twice as much fun.

So come on and take a ride through the show and taste-test all the brilliant foods with which we will stuff our maw.

Let’s discover the most efficient and entertaining way to cram 162 games worth of calories into one fantastic meal.

The Nachicle:

The worst thing about nachos remains the ease of which it is to share them. Just because you come back to the seat with a box full of them suddenly means you are the Bill Gates of snacks with everyone assuming you are going to share.

Thankfully, the Milwaukee Brewers have crafted the Inside The Park Nachos. Despite its horrible name, it boasts quite the wallop, via ESPN: “They feature a stick of beef, loaded with refried beans, rolled in Doritos, and then deep fried and drizzled with sour cream and cheese.”

Mark our words: 2015 will be the moment aliens decide we have advanced enough to come on down and say hello.

Clouds of Bacon:

Cotton candy remains the greatest piece of evidence that you can indeed sell air to someone at $5 a pop. It’s also the leading cause of parents shouting “No!” at children who wonder if they might have some at the ballpark.

Well, we might have to rethink things, because the Texas Rangers just invited bacon to the cotton candy party.

A Waffle Cone to End Them All:

Go ahead and bring the fanny pack and selfie stick to the game, because there is no way you look cool eating the Houston Astros’ Chicken Waffle Cone.

The Houston Chronicle states this thing comes with, “freshly baked, rolled waffle cone stuffed with mashed potatoes, fried chicken nuggets and a drizzle of honey mustard.”

It also comes with a side of one enormous smile.

That’s Not a Burger; This is a Burger:

We drooled over this abomination in an earlier article, but it deserves another nod here — largely because it’s more of a load-bearing wall than it is an actual food item.

The Phillies will sell this nine-patty cheeseburger to its fans in 2015, mandating the need for interested parties to buy another seat for what we have to think is a man-sized hamburger.

Handheld Diabetes Dog:

No, "Sporting News," this isn’t worth it, because I know for a fact I could eat three of these things without breaking a sweat.

And that’s the problem (Read: Unbridled joy) of this item. It is undoubtedly ordered after eight innings of hot dog eating and beer drinking.

So the following note from ESPN should be troubling: “The Churro Dog is a warm cinnamon churro sitting inside a Long John chocolate-glazed donut, which is then topped with frozen yogurt, caramel and chocolate sauces. Its estimated calorie count is 1,117.”

We say "should," because we still want one, or three.

Pizza Juice:

The Minnesota Twins were like a confounded artist before laying down their final stroke of genius on this Bloody Mary masterpiece.

Who would have thought that a Bloody Mary — a concoction that seemed to be doing just fine with celery, bacon, pickled onions, olives, the kitchen sink — needed a cold piece of pizza to really pull it all together?

Forget the World Series, because the Twins have already won.

And so have we, because we are once again promised a summer of baseball and bad dietary decisions.

Buy your ticket and head into a magical world where the hits are plentiful, and the calories don’t seem to matter.

It’s baseball season, so make sure to bring your bib.

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