Image taken by Gabe Zaldivar.
All-inclusive means just that: the food, drinks, fun, frivolity and potential for hangovers are all included. So it was with a sour stomach and a thumping head that I hoped beyond hope that my hyrdrotherapy session could alleviate at least a portion of the pain.
Welcomed by Hard Rock Punta Cana to experience its all-inclusive experience during the Lady A Getaway weekend, I was allowed to take the resort's Rock Spa for a spin, including a hydrotherapy session and a massage.
This would be my first hydrotherapy session, meaning all I knew about it was there would be water involved at some point, but we are getting ahead of ourselves. You see, the hangover from the night before caused me to sleep well past breakfast, erasing an opportunity for my usual cure: bacon, eggs and copious amounts of non-alcoholic liquids.
Now if the headache and lump in your throat doesn't tip you off, the other surefire way to spot a hangover is the ability to become hyperaware of the previous night's drink selection. You can taste the wine you ordered with dinner, the beer you washed down that steak with or that tequila shot you decided was necessary to end the night.
The point is, the buzz is gone but the ghosts of every last drink linger from tummy to throat, and you need refuge…badly.
Walking into the Rock Spa, I was hopeful: there was a glow to the place not unlike the heavenly sanctuary that welcomed Bill and Ted during their bogus journey.
For obvious reasons, I wasn't able to take photographs, so you will have to believe that the stress washed off just by walking into the joint. Traipsing down the steps into the spa, you are led to the locker room where a robe, slippers and a friendly attendant await. While bacon and eggs wouldn't be served, I was beginning to think this new alternative might just do the trick.
Steam:
First stop was the steam room, which doesn't really sell you on how much steam is kept in this rather spacious, tiled space. They have all the steam in the Dominican Republic, people.
The best part of the stay by far was the staff, and this experience was no different. Right away I was offered water to which I mumbled through hungover lips that this would be greatly appreciated.
And so I sat, simply, with my thoughts, my water and my body that immediately began shedding sweat like it was the new fad. Let me say that if nothing else, the steam room seemed like a plausible way to atone for the previous night's sins. By the time I left the room, I certainly felt like I had burned off most of the first course and some of the many digestifs I decided were necessary.
Shower:
From there, you are asked to take a shower, one with multiple settings and pressures. Although, in my condition, leaning my head against the wall with a nice cool stream rinsing me off was just what the doctor ordered. If there was a doctorate in post-inebriation studies that is.
Painting by David Garibaldi. Image taken by Gabe Zaldivar.
Sauna:
Hydrotherapy is kind of like meeting water in all its forms. Right in the middle, you get a taste of life without the stuff, and it's sublime.
Sitting in the sauna, water in hand, the subtle smell of wood transporting me to some cabin thousands of miles away, I started to forget my issues. At some point, possibly near dozing off in this room that has no right be as comfortable as it is, I contemplated the day's menu, including complementary drinks.
Ice Room:
Again, you are meeting Mr. Water in all forms, warm and inviting and ice cold. When you enter the Ice Room, it feels like the foyer of Superman's Fortress of Solitude.
That's when the previously kindhearted attendant washed me down with freezing water like I was being processed at county.
The peculiar part is that it felt…amazing. The warmth from the sauna was destroyed, sure. However, I felt revitalized, rejuvenated and ready for the day. Now I once again had time to reflect and heal, this time with a bucket of ice to invigorate the senses anew. Now I was truly ready for anything, like rubbing mud on my naked body.
Mud Bath:
The last stop on the hydrotherapy tour was the mud bath, which was more like a mud rub. I was told to go full monty and rub mud all over my myself. Yes, all over. After which, a shower awaited to cleanse me of whatever this stuff was.
At this point, I was pretty much game for anything. I would have rubbed a pineapple on me if someone said it was nourishing.
Going through each stage was like leveling up in a video game. By the end, Koopa was in reach and I was relaxed and stress free, wearing a natural kind of buzz that comes with a spa treatment like this.
Before it all started, I would have scoffed if you told me I would be washed, rinsed and dried like a bath towel, leading to hydro-euphoria. However, my senses were slowly returning as my hangover dissolved.
Hell, things worked so well that it was time to consider lunch and a nice cool pint of El Presidente.
What can I say? I'm horrible with short-term memory.
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