Phillies Boast Nine-Patty Hamburger Because Stadium Food Was Getting Too Healthy
Image via CSNPhilly.com
No, it’s not that seats around Major League Baseball stadiums are getting smaller. It’s that the butts sitting in them are getting larger.
CSNPhilly.com reports Phillies fans will be relatively silent this season. It’s not because of the tenuous product on the field but the fact that their collective mouths will be busy trying to masticate nine patties of cow during the game.
According to the report, Citizens Bank Park will now serve hard alcohol, wine and a nine-patty burger, which we assume comes with a side of Lipitor and a coupon for a free angiogram with purchase.
Normally the news that an already inebriated collective was getting hard liquor would be the headline but then a burger monstrosity busts in the door and announces itself like Jack Nicholson in The Shining:
First off, a burger loses some semblance of its novelty after three patties. This is known as the Rule of Three, which was originally invented by me in the previous sentence.
Second, there is absolutely no way you make it home in one piece after drinking beer, hard alcohol and eating a nine patty cheeseburger.
Security is bound to find you in a heaping mess, babbling about Chase Utley’s hamstrings as you drool onto your replica jersey by the turnstiles.
The report signals just how bad this item might be for you. A KHOU report on a similar Wayback burger in 2013 called the Triple Triplenine-patty burger is described as such: “The burger has 5,100 calories and 117 grams of saturated fat, which is close to six buckets of KFC fried chicken.”
We will conclude this update on "national sandwiches you absolutely must try" with the following moral of the story: It has suddenly become far more sensible to eat a bucket of chicken, nay five, than to eat at an MLB stadium.
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