Last updated: 09:14 AM ET, Wed December 23 2015

Power Ranking The 5 Most Absurd Airbus Patents of 2015

Entertainment | Gabe Zaldivar | December 23, 2015

Power Ranking The 5 Most Absurd Airbus Patents of 2015

Image courtesy of Airbus

In 2015, Airbus took over from SkyMall as the traveler’s preposterous entertainment channel of choice. With patents that roughly resembled plans from Dr. Evil’s lair, the aviation manufacturer seemed dedicated to creating the kind of airline industry that a five-year-old might draw up in their spare time.

With that, we decided to rank Airbus’ various patents from the year that was, highlighting those patents that made us laugh, cry or cry from laughing so hard.

This is the same collective of class clowns that brought us such hits in 2014 as the bicycle seats and the contraption you stick your head into for the duration of the flight.

Let’s see what 2015 had for us:

No. 5 - Sleep Pods:

Airbus would like to one day stack passengers much in the way it stores away those in-flight meals attendants pass out mid-flight.

As Jerry Seinfeld once said, "This has International incident written all over it.”

No. 4 - Light Speed:

Airbus would very much like its pilots to look one another in the eye and one day proclaim, “Prepare for warp speed.”

It patented the idea behind a super-fast plane, which has a far more proper name in the form of the “ultra-rapid” plane that can reach Mach 4.5, which is “four-and-a-half times the speed of sound — more than twice as fast as the Concorde,” via Patrick Clarke.

This is lower on the list simply because it seems so feasible, even if it only caters to a scant few travelers who might be able to one day afford the kind of travel that is on par with ludicrous speed.

No. 3 - Window Seat Win:

Earlier this year, Airbus filed a patent for an interactive wall that would essentially become the best window seat ever imagined, letting the passenger see what lay below the airplane.

We imagine this would be met with enthusiasm from droves of people who like to be confined to the prison that is the window seat.

With an interactive display for the window and arm room to spare for the aisle, the middle seat of the future will be left to close their respective eyes and consider what ill they put out into the world that garnered this truly horrible fate.

No. 2 - Lock and Load:

As you might be aware, a recent Airbus patent hopes to load the cabin of an airplane in the same manner you would a shotgun.

We say take this one step further and just slingshot pods to their destination. The infrastructure would be far less demanding with construction for one enormous slingshot being put into place at each terminal. This is a far cry from what would need to be installed if Airbus’ fever dream came into reality.

There would need to be giant cranes that could lower or slot each pod into ever hungry airplanes that seemingly devour the compartment into its innards. Now obviously, this is a great idea that would save time if all things were possible. But if we are granting wishes, how about we just get planes to the terminals on time and follow a proper loading procedure.

Or we could just build a humongous airplane Transformer. Either way is good with us.

No. 1 - Seat Shenanigans:

This has to be the winner, despite the apparent advent of imaginary airplanes that load like semi-trucks leaving the warehouse.

There was so much great stuff in just one massive post of possible patents.  

Here are the images via Twitter:

Now you don’t have to worry so much about rubbing elbows with your seatmate, because you have an altogether more worrisome predicament in the form of the groin right behind your head.

Because boarding wasn’t time consuming enough, Airbus wants passengers to deal with conquering three steps.

When you consider how we manage to deal with those overhead bins, this would lead to absolute bedlam.

The best illustration, however, is this:

Why not? We’ve always wanted to play our part as a flying Tetris puzzle in the sky.

All of this really means is that another year of inane patents has passed and another set is to follow shortly.  

What we have to presume is an actual room of monkeys literally coloring schematics with crayons will get back to work after the holiday break.

We can’t wait to see what this crack squad comes up with when they close their respective eyes and envision the future of travel, because whatever they come up with will be hilarious.


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