A Gay Old Time in Moab

Moab’s always sort of been stuck in my head.

Maybe it’s the funny sounding name, which doesn’t sound familiar or quite like anything else. Or maybe because it’s always seemed like a cool, young, progressive place—but buried in a red state that never sounded terribly welcoming to a gay man like me.

Over my years of traveling (including a couple of trips to or through Utah), I never quite got there. And the few friends I knew who did go all seemed to be focused on mountain biking, which was not something that I was into.

But on a recent trip to experience several of Utah's impressive National Parks, we decided that Moab would make an excellent home base to visit both Arches and Canyonlands National Parks. But we also wanted to do something memorable in the area beyond hiking. What could it be?

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We ate dinner at Pasta Jay’s right in downtown Moab—good food and huge portions—and discussed our options. (We also giggled at the restaurant’s logo, as the big curvy J looked like a cursive G, making the menu appear to say, “Pasta Gay’s.” Obviously, we’d picked the right place.)

There were a lot of biking tours, which we quickly dismissed, and we focused instead on the many Colorado River boat tours. But after winnowing them down, we decided that they might be too long, too hot and too much sun for us. Then my younger son had an idea: “What about horseback riding?”

That was an interesting idea.

None of my guys had ever been horseback riding before, and I had only gone once, about two decades earlier. The more we discussed it, the more we thought it would be a great adventure in the Moab area.

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We decided on Hauer Ranch’s trail rides. Located in the beautiful Professor Valley, the ranch is about a half-hour drive from the downtown area. We chose the 3-hour ride at 9 a.m. to beat the heat of the day. After paperwork, safety briefing, etc., we had about 2 hours and 15 minutes in the saddle (which was plenty for us city slickers.)

James was our tour guide—a slim, good-looking ranch hand originally from South Dakota. He entertained us with stories about the horses at the ranch, descriptions of the sage, juniper and other local plants, pointing out the collared and whiptail lizards that sunned themselves on the rocks.

James also showed us places in the Valley where various John Wayne movies were filmed, as well as the mesa where Bon Jovi’s “Blaze of Glory” video was shot.

Our horses—Barney, Jem, Snip and Mogie—were all very well behaved.

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James, who rode right in front of Matthew the whole time, patiently answered my son’s almost constant barrage of questions—many of which dealt with bathroom issues:

How do you know when the horse is going to poop? (They start walking slower and take bigger steps with their hind legs.)

How many horses does the ranch have? (31.)

Do the horses ever eat the poop? (No, not if they’re healthy.)

Are any horses at the ranch in love? (There is one gelding that most of the female horses really like, and there are a few boyfriend/girlfriend horse pairs.)

How old is my horse? (About 18.)

Can the horses pee while they’re walking? (No, and I bet you can’t, either!)

We were happy to see that the staff didn’t bat an eye at our non-traditional-looking family, and they made us feel welcomed and comfortable. That, combined with the amazing scenery and great staff means we will definitely return to Hauer Ranch the next time we visit Moab.