IGLTA Talk Showcases Queer Wedding Trends

At this month’s IGLTA Convention in Toronto, Bernadette Smith, of 14 Stories and The Gay Wedding Institute, gave a fascinating presentation, “Lessons learned three years post marriage equality in the U.S.”

Smith explained that while a lot has changed over the years, some fundamental things haven’t changed at all.

“About a third of us are choosing to have destination weddings,” Smith said. “About 63% of us are doing honeymoons, but only about 25% of those are in the U.S., so we are traveling on honeymoons, we’re going to exotic places. Anecdotally, many of my clients are going to place like India and a month in Australia and New Zealand. They’re going to really cool places for their honeymoons and destination weddings.”

Smith explained that couples are looking for properties that are marketing themselves as LGBT-friendly. The top destinations chosen for LGBTQ couples for their weddings are Europe, followed by Mexico, the Caribbean, and some U.S. destinations. Smith said that she feels there is a huge opportunity for properties in Mexico and the Caribbean to do a better job.

“Many couples visit those websites, they visit the marketing, and they don’t see themselves welcomed. There’s a huge opportunity, particularly in places that have a strong wedding infrastructure, particularly for lesbian brides,” she said.

Smith noted that LGBTQ couples are very independent—and are much more likely to pay for their weddings themselves than opposite-sex couples.

“We are older when we’re getting married. Our wedding party size and guest count size is smaller than opposite-sex couples. Many of these are because we are not always inviting our extended family or even necessarily our immediate family—but instead our chosen family,” she said.

Queer couples are also what Smith called “traditionally untraditional.” She said that, in general, lesbian brides are “more bridal.” Many of them were raised with the idea of the fairy tale, and are much more willing to be traditional than gay men.

“It’s very interesting to see which wedding traditions are followed. Straight couples, even the ones that are having the most creative and non-traditional weddings, are still following so much of the gender-based gender traditions,” Smith said. “Lesbians are about half-and-half. And gay men are far less likely to do things like dance with their parents or even have a first dance, get dressed and ready separately. Fully 20% of same-sex couples have no one standing up with them at all. We’re much more likely than straight couples to have mixed-gender wedding parties. To avoid the question or the assumption of who’s the bride in the relationship, many couples actually walk into the ceremony space holding hands together, as a unified force, as opposed to one person being escorted to the other.

Many same-sex couples, especially if they don’t have gender roles in their relationship, are looking to avoid gender roles in their wedding. So, Smith explained, when wedding businesses work from the perspective of gender and make assumptions about what a wedding looks like, they’re missing the opportunity to truly allow same-sex couples to be creative and allow them to express themselves.

The future of queer weddings is fluid, Smith said. She cited recent statistics that indicate 20% of those who are 18-34 are self-identifying as LGBTQ, with 12% as transgender. But, she said, even if those statistics are 5% or 10% too high, “we all know that more and more folks are identifying as non-binary, they’re identifying as transgender.” She noted that Ontario, where the conference was being held, is now adding a third gender to birth certificates.

“If your staff is not prepared to greet this guest without using sir or ma’am, you could be in trouble,” she said. “More and more people are identifying as fluid.”

Smith explained that trust is still the main issue, 13 years after marriage equality came to Canada and 14 years after it came to Massachusetts.

“About a third of lesbians report being rejected by wedding vendors, as well as 10% of gay men. But many more are afraid of being rejected,” she explained. “And about 90% of these couples want you to make it very clear, without any doubt, that you are welcoming to them. What are you doing to send a signal to eliminate any fear of rejection that they have? They want to know how safe they are going to be at your property and your destination. It is a really big, important lesson.”

Smith lamented how virtually no hotels or resorts who are trying to attract queer weddings and honeymoons have changed up their marketing material, which is such an easy thing to do.

“Many hotels get their staff trained and talk the talk, but they don’t change any of their marketing. My challenge for you is: Are you willing to do the work? Are you willing to update your marketing materials? Are you willing to make it more inclusive? Are you willing to remove hetero-normative language from everything you have that’s wedding related? It doesn’t have to piss off straight couples to welcome gay couples,” she said. “It’s actually very easy. Are you willing to make the steps necessary to improve the level of safety and security of the LGBTQ community, for weddings and beyond?”