Taking Care of Christmas Shopping at the SkyMall

by Gabe Zaldivar
Last updated: 11:00 PM ET, Fri November 28, 2014

Images via SkyMall

Holiday shopping can be quite annoying. There are crowds of people who are intent on spreading cheer with gifts all while shopping for said gifts with nothing but hatred and frustration in their hearts.

In the end, it's best to just take a virtual walk through SkyMall, a mall that isn't really a mall; it's more a catalog of the extremely ridiculous. (We will, however, reconsider its mall status if it ever gets a Hot Dog on a Stick.)

If money and sanity are no object, perhaps consider adorning the bottom of your Christmas tree or Festivus pole with the following items.

As you will see, there is something for everyone-even those with equinophobia.

For Him:

Let's start with something simple, like a grilling option for that BBQ grill master who happens to be part vampire, choosing the dead of night to make a summer feast.

The best part of the above picture is that you can really make that burger sweat as you interrogate it with a beaming flood of light flashed in its face. Take grilling to the next logical level.

For Her:

Show the woman in your life how much you care by trapping her inside of a space pod for a few days.

If it works for sci-fi characters needing to stay in stasis for 50 years, it will work for her too. She will absolutely flip, especially if she is claustrophobic.

This may say "multisensory sauna," but we say it screams love. At $15,995 it's a real steal too.

For the Man Who Hates Life:

Have someone in your life who can't seem to see the bright side of the dead cold of winter? Of course you do! Why not get him something he will really hate like a machine that blows hard. Blows snow that is.

Grumpy Gus here is so taken with the Snow Joe that he apathetically walks behind it as the world's greatest technological achievement does all the work. (Warning: Never hug person while Snow Joe is in action.)

For the Adult Cowboy Who is Also Deathly Afraid of Real Horses:

Billy here started wearing a cowboy hat and killer kerchief way back when he was five. There are two problems: He hasn't taken the stuff off in 20 years and he is deathly afraid of real animals.

Crisis solved:

Thanks to "Adult Plush Balls" (Phrasing, SkyMall) Billy can experience all of the great parts of riding a horse like a cowboy without actually riding a horse or being an actual cowboy. Thanks, Santa!

For the Person With Serious Issues:

Squirrel!

When coal in the stocking or a punch to the jaw doesn't convey your intended message, send the special person in your life half a squirrel mounted to a plaque.

This squirrel is not the least bit amused with the holidays. Thankfully this isn't a real squirrel. You know, because that would be creepy.

For the Raging Alcoholic:

Who drinks wine by the glass, save everybody?

And really, you can't be bothered to go through the trouble of pouring the bottle a few times. That would take physical exertion better left to pouring wine directly into your gaping drink hole.

For the Couple with No Friends:

Rather than enjoy life like normal humans, many couples opt to see what their faces look like with various backgrounds. This fine stick takes the trouble of asking strangers to snap off a quick pic.

If the insufferable couple screams with joy at opening this present, go ahead and find new friends. Just trust us on this one.

For the Person Who Literally Has Everything:

Why yes these boats playing the part of animals run a cool $85,000, but we don't think that person who has everything actually has one.

If they do, they don't need a gift anyway.

For the Food Lover with No Taste:

It's not a human ear. It's not an empanda. It's not even ravioli. It's a pierogi, and we have no freaking clue why you would want it on your Christmas tree.

Nothing says the holidays like a fake version of a single Polish food item.

For the Person Who Doesn't Know What a Backpack Is:

We understand that sometimes a basket in the front of a bike can be problematic. That's why we have craved carrying a six-pack of glass bottles betwixt our legs while peddling furiously to get to work at the think tank.