Photo Illustration By Barry Kaufman
Disney is about to embark on a noble venture, peppering Disney Parks with captivating and awe-inspiring items from the Star Wars universe. However, like a Gungan attempting a tongue twister, things can go awry.
We previously brought word that Disney would indeed announce their specific plans for an infusion of Star Wars into its parks.
The only downside to the report was the severe lack of detail. So we took it upon ourselves to offer some suggestions for attractions Disney absolutely must have.
What follows is the Jabba the Hut to the previous article's Han Solo, a list of rides that should not, under any circumstance, ever break ground at Disney Parks.
Ani and Padme's Gondola Ride:
Sure, it would be a pleasant trip around Disneyland, wading through otherwise fantastic attractions.
But imagine being stuck in the gondola as Ani and Padme flirt behind you, delivering the kind of acting and dialogue you might expect from cardboard and a churro.
RELATED: TravelPulse executive editor James Shillinglaw visited Villa del Balbianello, filming location for the big Skywalker wedding.
Sarlacc Ball Pit:
Oh sure, this looks like loads of fun if you fill a Sarlaac's maw with a bunch of air-filled plastic balls.
But like chasing a turkey leg with a bread bowl of clam chowder, you are asking for trouble. For one, ball pits are havens for bacteria, so catch a cold at your own discretion.
Second, Sarlaccs digest meals over thousands of years while keeping its prey alive during digestion. So, yeah, we would rather ride It's a Small World.
Galactic Senate's Bureaucratic Hoedown:
For some reason, politics makes George Lucas as excited as a Storm Trooper actually finding the droids he is looking for, because we were force-fed the stuff over three movies.
So we understand if there is a call for a Hall of Presidents-type attraction that would allow millions of weary visitors to catch a quick nap.
But there is simply no excuse for ever making Jar Jar a senator.
We will excuse allowing Mr. Binks one of the biggest plot turns in the film's franchise if we get to float on those floating, slowly-moving bureaucrat pods though.
Dagobah Land:
It stinks; it's creepy and some strange Muppet-looking guy who speaks funny comes and steals your food.
What's worse is the area would also include a cave that brings your greatest fear to life, which immediately tries to kill you.
Let's say you do survive. The only way you leave this area of the park is by lifting a multi-ton spaceship out of a swamp. Look, you will have a better time waiting an hour and a half for Indiana Jones.
Interactive Wookiee Exhibit Extravaganza:
Now you might think playing a wookiee in dejarik or playing some one-on-one with Chewbacca would be fun, but then you remember winning means losing your arms.
Wookiees remain the world's worst losers; right up there with the kid who would shut off the Nintendo when you went ahead in Tecmo Bowl.
Mustafar Wave Machine:
Unless you are chockablock full of midi-chlorians, you should refrain from surfing and/or battling atop liquid hot magma.
Porkins' Magical Mystery Tour:
Never let Porkins cover you and never let him right his own ship. In fact, never get in any conveyance with this man ever.
Now there are plenty of other attraction ideas we are happy to place in the bad pile-Watto's Bartering Bazaar and Boss Nass' Kissing Booth-come to mind, but we would love to hear from you, because horrible ideas can be quite entertaining if they aren't put into practice. Just Tweet out your best #BadStarWarsRides.
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